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TheJoker
Active member
A rabbi and a Priest were seated next to one another on a flight to New York.
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went to his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly said “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went to his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest replied, “Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally the rabbi quietly said “Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich doesn’t it?”
TheJoker
Active member
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,
a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package
on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!".
She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,
a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package
on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that
it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!".
TheJoker
Active member
A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney.
He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.
After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.
The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”
The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”
The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.
After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.
The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”
The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”
The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”
TheJoker
Active member
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!
The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
TheJoker
Active member
A recently widowed woman is be-grieving her recently deceased husband. The mortician asked: “Ma'am, is there anything I can do for you?” The wife says: “ My husband ALWAYS wanted to be buried in blue suit, and you have him in black.”
The mortician says: “Well ma'am, you see,' black is all we have.” It's traditional wear, for the dearly departed. It represents the loss, and emptiness we feel. But, I'll do what I can. The widow thanks the mortician and leaves.
The following Friday, the widow returns to the mortuary, to view her husband one last time before his funeral Saturday. The mortician directs her behind a drape and she sees her husband in a beautiful blue suit. She was awed by what she saw. “Oh that's just lovely! However did you do it?”
The mortician replies: “Well after you left Wednesday,' they brought in another man, who was about the same size, weight, and flesh tone of your husband. His widow, was grieving the fact that her husband was wearing a blue suit, and that he wanted to be buried in a black suit.’”
“Well, after she left,'’ It was just a matter of switching the heads.’”
The mortician says: “Well ma'am, you see,' black is all we have.” It's traditional wear, for the dearly departed. It represents the loss, and emptiness we feel. But, I'll do what I can. The widow thanks the mortician and leaves.
The following Friday, the widow returns to the mortuary, to view her husband one last time before his funeral Saturday. The mortician directs her behind a drape and she sees her husband in a beautiful blue suit. She was awed by what she saw. “Oh that's just lovely! However did you do it?”
The mortician replies: “Well after you left Wednesday,' they brought in another man, who was about the same size, weight, and flesh tone of your husband. His widow, was grieving the fact that her husband was wearing a blue suit, and that he wanted to be buried in a black suit.’”
“Well, after she left,'’ It was just a matter of switching the heads.’”
TheJoker
Active member
Two rabbis, Liebowitz, and Hershfeld, arrive in Las Vegas, for a rabbinical conference. They arrive at their hotel, and retire to their individual rooms. Rabbi Hershfeld, folds his coat and gets ready to unpack his suitcase, when there's a knock on the door.
Hershfeld answers the door, and there stands a sexy, scantily clad, brunette, in a full length fur coat and high heels. He says: “may I help you?” The young lady asks: “Are you Rabbi Hershfeld?” Hershfeld says yes.
The lady says: “I'm your present, from Rabbi Liebowitz.” Hershfeld exclaims!! What?! What the hell is this about?!?!? The lady slips off her fur coat, revealing a VERY SEXY, NAKED body. Outraged, Hershfeld, calls the front desk and says: “Hello, front desk?, Give me Rabbi Liebowitz' room please.
Liebowitz, answers Hello? Hershfeld Yells: “Liebowitz, You Schmuck!’ What is it, the HELL is wrong with you?” We're here for a religious, rabbinical conference, NOT TO KINOODDLE, BEHIND OUR WIVES BACKS!’
“For THIS I WILL REPORT TO THE CONFERENCE DIRECTOR, AND SEE THAT YOU ARE REMOVED FROM OFFICE!” The young woman gets her fur coat on, and is heading for the door. Hershfeld, asks the girl: “Hey wait minute,' Where are you going?’” she says: “You're angry, so I'm leaving.”
Hershfeld, says: “No, please wait, you don't understand.” I'm mad at HIM NOT you.”
Hershfeld answers the door, and there stands a sexy, scantily clad, brunette, in a full length fur coat and high heels. He says: “may I help you?” The young lady asks: “Are you Rabbi Hershfeld?” Hershfeld says yes.
The lady says: “I'm your present, from Rabbi Liebowitz.” Hershfeld exclaims!! What?! What the hell is this about?!?!? The lady slips off her fur coat, revealing a VERY SEXY, NAKED body. Outraged, Hershfeld, calls the front desk and says: “Hello, front desk?, Give me Rabbi Liebowitz' room please.
Liebowitz, answers Hello? Hershfeld Yells: “Liebowitz, You Schmuck!’ What is it, the HELL is wrong with you?” We're here for a religious, rabbinical conference, NOT TO KINOODDLE, BEHIND OUR WIVES BACKS!’
“For THIS I WILL REPORT TO THE CONFERENCE DIRECTOR, AND SEE THAT YOU ARE REMOVED FROM OFFICE!” The young woman gets her fur coat on, and is heading for the door. Hershfeld, asks the girl: “Hey wait minute,' Where are you going?’” she says: “You're angry, so I'm leaving.”
Hershfeld, says: “No, please wait, you don't understand.” I'm mad at HIM NOT you.”
TheJoker
Active member
I saw a man at the cemetery, wailing mournfully over a grave. As I got closer, I heard him clearly moaning, “Oh, why did you die? Why did you have to die?”
I said, “I am so sorry for your loss, but I notice from the headstone that your friend died four years ago. You must have really loved him.”
“Oh, I never knew him at all,” said the man, “but he was my wife’s first husband.”
I said, “I am so sorry for your loss, but I notice from the headstone that your friend died four years ago. You must have really loved him.”
“Oh, I never knew him at all,” said the man, “but he was my wife’s first husband.”
TheJoker
Active member
I saw a man at the cemetery, wailing mournfully over a grave. As I got closer, I heard him clearly moaning, “Oh, why did you die? Why did you have to die?”
I said, “I am so sorry for your loss, but I notice from the headstone that your friend died four years ago. You must have really loved him.”
“Oh, I never knew him at all,” said the man, “but he was my wife’s first husband.”
I said, “I am so sorry for your loss, but I notice from the headstone that your friend died four years ago. You must have really loved him.”
“Oh, I never knew him at all,” said the man, “but he was my wife’s first husband.”
TheJoker
Active member
An elderly woman has a minor accident and is knocked momentarily unconscious. She hears a voice saying “Go back, my child. You still have years to live. I won’t summon you till you’re 95.”
She comes to determined to make the most of her remaining years. She’d been getting slack eating badly, being a couch potato. Now she eats healthy and exercises. Soon she’s in great shape but still,her face shows her age. She visits a plastic surgeon and gets the works . He does a fine job and this 70- something woman now only looks about 40. But all her clothes are “grandma clothes”. They don’t suit her new appearance so she goes shopping for something fashionable.She can hardly believe the image in the mirror. She looks terrific. No one would guess how old she really was And as she’s retired with ample money she can now travel and do all the things she missed out on in her youth!
She buys a lot of new outfits and dressed to the nines leaves her house one morning,adventure bound. A car hits her and kills her.
Arriving at the Pearly Gates the bewildered woman confronts St.Peter. “I was told I’d live to 95! I’m only 74! What happened”
St.Peter looks embarrassed and says “Frankly,we just didn’t recognize you.”
She comes to determined to make the most of her remaining years. She’d been getting slack eating badly, being a couch potato. Now she eats healthy and exercises. Soon she’s in great shape but still,her face shows her age. She visits a plastic surgeon and gets the works . He does a fine job and this 70- something woman now only looks about 40. But all her clothes are “grandma clothes”. They don’t suit her new appearance so she goes shopping for something fashionable.She can hardly believe the image in the mirror. She looks terrific. No one would guess how old she really was And as she’s retired with ample money she can now travel and do all the things she missed out on in her youth!
She buys a lot of new outfits and dressed to the nines leaves her house one morning,adventure bound. A car hits her and kills her.
Arriving at the Pearly Gates the bewildered woman confronts St.Peter. “I was told I’d live to 95! I’m only 74! What happened”
St.Peter looks embarrassed and says “Frankly,we just didn’t recognize you.”
TheJoker
Active member
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
TheJoker
Active member
One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.
The stranger says, "Hello. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories."
After a quick thought the homeowner says, "Well, come on in," He takes the stranger to the living room. "Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee."
Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, "Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?"
The Jehovah's Witness says, "Fuck if I know. I never got this far before."
The stranger says, "Hello. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some inspirational religious stories."
After a quick thought the homeowner says, "Well, come on in," He takes the stranger to the living room. "Please have a seat and let me bring you a cup of coffee."
Upon returning with a freshly brewed cup, he says to the stranger, "Now, what about these stories you have to enlighten me with?"
The Jehovah's Witness says, "Fuck if I know. I never got this far before."
TheJoker
Active member
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, ‘Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week.’
The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon, another man enters the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week.’
This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies.
‘Very well,’ says the priest. ‘Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.’
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns and whispers to the altar boy, ‘Is that Fannie Green?’
The altar boy replies, ‘No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.
The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.’
Soon, another man enters the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week.’
This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies.
‘Very well,’ says the priest. ‘Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.’
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.
The priest turns and whispers to the altar boy, ‘Is that Fannie Green?’
The altar boy replies, ‘No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.
TheJoker
Active member
A man goes into a confessional and is just beginning to make his confession when suddenly the priest gets an overhead page. “My son,” he says to the penitent, “can you do me a favor, and just sit back here in the confessional and take my place until I get back?” The man replies, “But Father, I haven’t the slightest idea what to do.” The priest assures him, “Oh, there’s nothing to it. Just listen to their confession and whatever they’ve done give them three Hail Marys.” The guy agrees and takes the priest’s place in the confessional, hoping that no one would happen along while the priest was gone. But within a minute or so, an attractive young woman enters the confessional. “What is your sin, my child?” he nervously asks. “Father,” she replies, “I’ve had oral sex with a man.” Now this particular guy is a real stickler when it comes to sin, and he thinks to himself, “Three Hail Mary’s for something like that? That’s ridiculous!” Still, he can’t think of a penance to save his life. Just as he’s getting flustered, an altar boy passes behind the confessional. “Psst!” he says, as the boy goes by. “Hey you! What does the priest give for oral sex?” The lad looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and says, “I don’t know … he always gives me ten dollars!”